Second Saturday Inland Empire Blog

October 11, 2009

Thriving in the Future

If you are like most parents, you want your children to be successful at school, in their extracurricular activities and with their socially with their friends. Prior to your family reorganization, like most parents, you probably spent enormous amounts of time, energy and money attempting to ensure your children’s success. You may even have had the tendency to try to provide those things for your children which you wanted as a child. You spent time helping your children with their homework and school projects; you have taken them to soccer, baseball, dance, swim meets and other activities; and you have probably spent a little more than your budget allowed to ensure your children had all that you could provide. Life is about to change dramatically.

During and after the family reorganization, you will not have the time, energy nor money you once had for your children. This fact alone will typically result in feelings of guilt and inadequacy. You do not have to subscribe to those feelings. Many of us in the mental health profession believe heavily involved parenting is many times over-parenting. Therefore, if you can not do what you once were doing, you may be right where you need to be.

What you may not have realized is when you load up your children with all of the goodies, the extras in life prior to your family reorganization, you are also loaded up the pressure and stress on both yourself and your children:

Previous Pressure and Stress on Your Children
If your children did not live up to your standards or appreciate your “sacrifices,” it was an opportunity for them to see themselves as not good enough, not measuring up, not trying hard enough, or simply failing you. This type of pressure is extremely fear-filled because children’s normal internal desires are to please their parents, to make their parents proud of them, and to demonstrate to their parents the kind of “adults” they are becoming.

Previous Pressure and Stress on Yourself
Financial and time requirements to provide all of the goodies and extras for your children.

The normal day-to-day pressures of an intact family are hard. But now, in addition to those “normal” pressures you will be adding the stress, the strain, the financial impact, and the emotional upheaval of being engaged in the adversarial family court system. You can well imagine the pressure cooker that is about ready to explode. In many families it does explode. Almost every day you can read in the paper or see on TV the outcome of too much pressure on a person going through the family court system; suicides, murders, kidnaps and all other types of behaviors from previous “regular” and “normal” parents. It just proves the point that when you put regular normal families, with regular normal daily stresses of raising their children, and add to those stressors the confusion, frustration, anger and hurt which the adversarial family court system exacerbates, the “regular and normal” person can become irregular and abnormal – something is going to blow.

My purpose here is to help you understand the stresses and pressures you are feeling are very real, and you need to do something about them before they do something to you. And now is the time to do something.

Now is the time, more than ever before, for you to take time to listen to your children. Time to get to know them as they really are.

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COACHING vs INDIVIDUAL THERAPY

Filed under: Coping Through Divorce — Tags: coach, collaborative, divorce, therapy — Administrator @ 1:09 pm

By Marvin L. Chapman, MFT, CFC

Many people wonder what is the difference between a mental health professional doing divorce coaching and a mental health professional doing individual therapy. Simply put: The major difference between divorce coaching and individual therapy is the client and not the coaching or therapeutic process.

Traditionally, individual therapy involves the assumption that the client is coming into therapy due to some real or perceived “problem” which they want to understand, discover or have “treatment” thereon because their coping skills and/or current manner of dealing with their “problem” is not working for them. Due to this traditional thinking, it has long been a given that if someone is in therapy, something is “wrong” with them.

Insurance companies and managed care facilities have traditionally indicated a more comfortable position in dealing with emotional “problems” from the medical model. Simplified, the medical model says there is a disease (the problem), the symptoms must be documented ( a diagnoses), and a plan laid out as to how the client will be “healed” (the therapeutic process from which the therapist uses). Based on this medical model, the therapist will focus on the clients history to assist in determining how the problem came about.

Many times you will hear therapists talk about the “pathology” of a client. Ever wonder what “pathology” really means? It is “The science or doctrine of diseases.” That part of medicine which explains the nature of diseases, their causes and their symptoms.” As you can see from the definition, even in their language therapists use the medical model. With an understanding of the “pathology” the therapist can allegedly determine the cause of the problem. The therapist then gives the client new ways of thinking, coping or behaving that allegedly will work better for them in the future, which is the healing or curing of the problem.

Under this simplified model, the therapist is the “helping agent” in charge, the client is the one with the “problem.”

Divorce coaching is different from individual therapy. In coaching, the client is not perceived as having any particular “problem” and the divorce coach does not assume any “pathology.” Problems and/or pathological issues are only dealt with if they impede the divorce process, wherein a suggestion may be given that the client might benefit from therapy with an outside independent therapist. In coaching the therapist joins with the client in a duet of cooperation. The coach, having a therapeutic and mediation background, educates, offers insights and observations, gives possibilities, and at times may even propose certain strategies for the client to consider. The divorce coach is specifically trained in the collaborative process to work closely with the client in their development of skills needed to deal with critical issues involving the divorce. Although coaching may be very therapeutic, it is not therapy.

The divorce process, whether adversarial or collaborative, is a complex and deeply emotionally process. Grief issues such denial, anger, bargaining and depression are usually involved, as well as a sense of loss and many times confusion. Post-relationship co-parenting issues are always a difficult area, as are support and property issues. Individual parenting styles is also an area of concern for many parents; questions such as “How do I answer my kids questions? How do I or should I discipline my kids who are already hurting?” Divorce coaches in the collaborative model not only have specialized training of the collaborative process, they are also generally very experienced in working with restructuring families.

As indicated above, the major difference between divorce coaching and individual therapy is the client and not the coaching or therapeutic process. In therapy the client is perceived as having a “problem” with a particular “pathology” for which the client is seeking help. In divorce coaching, the client is not perceived as having any particular “problem” and the divorce coach does not assume any “pathology.” The divorce coach uses their training and experience to assist their client through the collaborative divorce process in such a way that the client is able to move on with their life with the learned skills and knowledge needed to make their post-divorce life as full and complete as possible. As such, divorce coaching can be an invaluable tool when going through the family court system.

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Understanding Mediation

Filed under: Mediation and Divorce — Tags: court, divorce, mediation — Administrator @ 1:07 pm

MEDIATION

There are basically two (2) types of divorce mediation: Voluntary Mediation and Court Connected Mandatory Mediation. An overview and general outline of both types of mediation are presented below.

Voluntary Mediation
Generally, at any time you and the other parent have the right to enter into voluntary mediation. Voluntary mediation is where you voluntarily (without any mandates from the court or any other source) take your family court issues to an independent third (3rd) party who is has been specifically trained in the art of mediation and negotiation. The primary function of an independent mediator is to assist you and the other parent in coming to compromised agreements, which are then prepared into court approved documents, which then become court orders.

Court Connected Mandatory Mediation
The second type of mediation is court connected mandatory mediation. This mediation is set up by the family courts and you are mandated by the court to attend. Mediators in court connected mandatory mediation offices are generally professional mediators hired by the court to help parents come up with their own agreements, typically dealing only with custody and visitation issues. There are generally two (2) types of court connected mandatory mediation – confidential mediation and recommendation mediation.

Confidential Mediation
Confidential Mediation is where all that is said and done within the mediation session is kept confidential. There court will never hear what was specifically said or done within the mediation sessions.

Recommendation Mediation
Unlike confidential mediation, in recommendation mediation the mediators actually make custody and visitation recommendations directly to the court. Everything that was said and all behaviors exhibited during the mediation sessions are open for the mediator to interpret, judge and comment upon in open court.

Personal Note: I find it very hard to believe mediators within the recommendation mediation model have the audacity to believe they can learn the dynamics of a particular family and become so familiar with the functioning of that family to the degree they are able to ethically make an intelligent recommendation about what is best for that family. I personally believe this is one of clearest forms of abuse which families are subjected to within the adversarial family court system.

- Marvin Chapman, MFT, CFC

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Rights of Children of Divorce

Filed under: Children of Divorce — Tags: children, divorce, parents, rights — Administrator @ 1:04 pm

By Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

Children have the right to:

1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.

2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.

3. Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided for.

4. Have a special place for their own belongings at both parents’ residences.

5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.

6. Express anger and sadness in their own way, according to age and personality (not have to give justification for their feelings or have to cope with trying to be talked out of their feelings by adults).

7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.

8. Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.

9. Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)

10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent’s special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).

11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.

12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial parent.

13. Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.

14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.

15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.

16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)

17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.

18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.

19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlements of anyone.

20. Be exposed to both parents’ religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.

21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent’s set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.)

22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.

23. Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.

24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent’s home or asked to spy in the other parent’s home.

25. Own pictures of both parents.

26. Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).

For further information on this topic you can read:

My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced: An Interactive Tale for Children
By Lois V. Nightingale

© 1997, Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D., director of the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, Ca. and author of My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced, published by Nightingale Rose Publications. (800) 898-8426

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How can I tell if my child needs therapy as we go through this divorce?

Filed under: Children of Divorce — Tags: child, children, divorce, therapy — Administrator @ 1:02 pm

By Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

Many adults now acknowledge the benefit of a supportive professional as they face the challenges a divorce inevitably brings. But many parents are unsure at what point their child may be exhibiting signs that indicate a need for professional counseling.

Many of these signs are similar to the symptoms adults experience when undergoing severe stress.

Sleep disturbancesSome children wake with nightmares or have great difficulty going to sleep, saying they are afraid (of monsters, burglars, ghosts, etc.). Other children may regress to earlier sleeping patterns, such as sleeping with a favorite object, wetting the bed, or sleeping in a parent’s room. Children may also withdraw and hide in sleeping, which is more likely in teenagers and sleep longer hours than usual.
Eating changes Some children under severe stress have difficulty with appetite. They may find their stomach hurts or feels upset and they may appear more picky than usual or refuse to eat at certain meals. Other children may find solace in food and try to nurture themselves by eating sweets and high fat foods. Both are signs that a child is not addressing directly their feelings of stress, anxiety or possible depression.
School problemsTeachers can often tell when there are problems at home just by observing a child’s behavior at school. A child who was once very social may isolate or even push peers away. Children can become aggressive, exhibiting the interaction styles they have witnessed between their parents.
Withdrawal Some children withdraw and isolate when they are afraid or upset. When isolating children may be doing things that help them feel better, such as writing, drawing or listening to music. But a child may be feeling alone, left out, frightened and obsessing about how out of control their life feels.
Outbursts of anger or destructive behaviorChildren who have been holding in how they feel will let it out at some point. If outbursts of anger (verbal or physical) are modeled by either of the parents, children are more likely to let this anger out in similar ways. Children’s anger and frustration need to be heard, not “fixed” or reasoned away.
Trying hard to get parents to reconcileIt is very normal for children to want their parents back together, but if a child becomes fixated on this activity it can be a sign of severe stress and fear. Some children try to get their parents back together by being exceptionally good so parents won’t fight about them, others will act out to try to get parents to focus on them rather than the separation.
Becoming the “perfect” child or confidantSome children cope with the stress of a divorce by trying to take the place of the absent parent. They may try to make life easier for a parent, and in return deny their own natural needs as a child. This robs a child of having a healthy childhood and can cause serious problems later on in life.
Coping with a difficult custody battle. Custody battles can take a grave toll on children. Often they are pulled this way and that and may even be asked by the court with which parent they wish to live. A child entangled in a complicated custody battle can almost always use some outside help and counseling.

While some of these signs may appear for a short period of time and in mild forms during any divorce, if they are present for a significant period of time (weeks or months) it is important for the child to be evaluated by a professional therapist. Children usually feel comfortable with a therapist who specializes in treating children or has children of their own. A therapist working with children should also have supplies on hand to help children feel comfortable sharing their feelings. Some common therapy tools are, drawing materials, such as crayons, markers, colored pencils, puppets, books, sand tray and toys.

Remember it is always appropriate to ask several therapists questions about how they conduct therapy before choosing one for your child. A therapist with experience in working with children should help your child feel comfortable in their office. Both parents and children need extra support when going through the challenges of divorce.

© 1998 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist, 714-993-5343 Director of Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, California. Author of “My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced”

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Ways to Support a Teen through Divorce

Filed under: Children of Divorce — Tags: children, divorce, support, teen — Administrator @ 1:00 pm

by Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

Be respectful of his/her feelings. Don’t try to minimize the event with logic (”Can’t you see I am happier now?” “Would you really want me back in that situation?” etc.).
Don’t defend or “stick up for” the disgraced parent. Don’t try to demean or “downgrade” the idealized parent.
Remember for teens, peers and friends are usually more important than parents and siblings. This is developmentally appropriate, even in intact families.
Realize everyone grieves differently. Grief lasts as long as it lasts (there is no way to hurry it) and the only way to the “other side” is through.
1. The first stage of grief is denial. “This can’t happen to my family” “They’ll work it out and get back together.”
2. The second stage of grief is bargaining. “If only I didn’t fight with my sister.” “If only Dad would stay home more.” “If only Mom wouldn’t nag so much.”
3. The third stage of grief is anger. Anger and frustration may be targeted toward family members, friends, or even oneself.
4. The fourth stage of grief is sadness. Many times teens hide their sadness and discouragement. Sometimes they share it only with close friends. Isolation and wanting to be alone when very sad is common.
5. The fifth stage of grief is acceptance. Even though no one may ever understand all the reasons “why” the divorce occurred, acceptance means that the teen releases the parent from “owing” him/her a debt due to the divorce. They have some ability to find serenity and look at the positive and understand the divorce is not their fault and they could not have prevented it.
These stages are not necessarily in this order and many times teens slip back and forth between stages before ultimate resolution is obtained.
Teens may be frustrated with the financial issues around divorce, especially in the areas it directly affects them. Make sure time is given for them to express their concerns, priorities and frustrations. Encourage them to think of solutions to get the things they most want. This is a time to teach respect, tenacity and ambition.
Make sure your teen knows you are physically and emotionally OK. Teenagers can worry about parents’ safety and worry if they are getting enough to eat or if they are lonely. Teens may worry that a parent is not treating an addiction or getting medical help. It is important to not make a teen your emotional peer. Keep friends around you and let your teen know you are being responsible for your daily needs.
Do activities together that do not require a lot of face-to-face talking, but provide the opportunity to do so. Such as, hiking, going to the batting cages, working out, fishing, golfing, roller blading, bicycling, eating out, driving, etc.
Support your teenager even if he/she is turning to other adults for comfort and support. It is often easier for a teen to talk to someone outside the family to express real feelings and emotions.
Never say anything bad about the other parent to your teenager, no matter how “true” the statement may be. Your son or daughter knows that 50% of them came from that other parent and will feel you are saying half of him/her is not good. You also increase the chances of a teen taking sides with the belittled parent. Teenagers will rescue a parent they see as an underdog. Also, if you express anger and outrage at the other parent, your teen is less likely to tell you things that might upset you about him/her. They will be afraid your anger will then be targeted toward them. Speak respectfully about the other parent in front of, or within earshot of, your teenager.
Remind them (even if they pretend they don’t want to hear it) that the divorce is not their fault.
Remember that depression and grieving in teenagers can look like hostility, volatility and acting out. Be patient with short fuses and quick tempers. They may be “testing the waters” to see if you will leave them as well. Don’t take outbursts of anger personally.
Spend time with supportive friends who also have teenagers. Don’t blame everything that happens on the divorce. Adolescence is a difficult time of life. Be kind to yourself. Remember you are doing the best you can see to do everyday and with every decision. And so is your teenager.

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Seven Tips for Talking with Children About the Threat of War

Filed under: Children of Divorce — Tags: children, divorce — Administrator @ 12:58 pm

By Dr. Lois Nightingale (lic.#psy 9503)

1. Listen attentively when kids want to talk. First, before you say anything else, restate back to then what you heard them say, even if you disagree or it is painful to see them upset. It is most important children know you care about their thoughts and feelings. (They won’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.)

2. Speak about world events without intense anger or fear. Children interpret anger as parents being afraid. In uncertain times children need to feel their parents are strong. Parents expressing strong anger or showing anxious and fearful behaviors will lead kids to feel unsafe.

3. Use this opportunity to show your child how you arrive at conclusions. Talk about your history, world history, your values, and the process by which you arrive at your ideas. Self-revealing your thought process with your child will encourage him or her to think things through rather than accepting someone else’s conclusions just because they are presented adamantly.

4. Take this time to share your spiritual beliefs with your children. If you believe in a greater Divine order to things or you believe that you are protected and guided, make sure you express these ideas to your child. Attend spiritual services with your family so your children can be around other children with similar beliefs. And be sure you act and behave in accordance with the beliefs you express.

5. Help your child take some kind of action. This could be as simple as putting out the flag, sending a card to someone stationed abroad, writing a news paper editor, or politician with his or her ideas. Your child could take treats to the family of a service man or woman, or to a veteran, or write to a group they feel may be frightened or oppressed. Helping your child take an active role in making others feel supported will go a long way toward helping your child feel a sense of control, safety and belonging.

6. Limit graphic or redundant exposure to media events or commentaries that may be disturbing to children. Often children do not understand that something reported in the news is a repeat of an earlier event, and may interpret it as a new and separate event added to the one previously viewed. Children may have greatly exaggerated beliefs about world events after watching the news repeatedly. Make sure you ask about their ideas so you can give clarifications.

7. Possible mild signs of regression such as; asking a lot of questions, asking for reassurance, wanting to sleep in parent’s room, bad dreams, tearfulness, or shyness should pass in a short amount of time. More serious symptoms of stress such as sleep disturbances, eating changes, drop in grades or concentration, isolation from family or friends or bed-wetting may be indications of a clinical depression or clinical levels of anxiety. If your child exhibits any of these more serious indicators for more than two weeks an evaluation by a licensed mental health professional is recommended.

© 2003 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. 714-993-5343 www.nightingalecenter.com Dr. Lois Nightingale is a psychologist in Yorba Linda, Ca. and the director of the Nightingale Center Healthcare Services. She has been in clinical practice for more than twenty years and is the mother of two children.

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The Choices We Make

Filed under: Legal Articles — Administrator @ 12:50 pm

Article of the Month- September, 2009

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like had you made a different choice? What if you had married your college sweetheart after all? Would you still be happily married, or would you be divorced? Would you have more children, less children, no children at all? Would you still be living in California or in another state? It doesn?t help to look backward, unless we are trying to learn from a mistake made and improve on our choices in the future. If you had to do it over again, what would you have done differently?

In a divorce situation, the choice you make concerning the road you travel in the divorce process is equally important. Do you choose mediation, collaboration, or litigation? Do you do it yourself, use a paralegal or use an attorney? These choices are important and will impact your future significantly.

What I believe is very important is to speak with a professional regarding all of your options. Choose a law firm that offers all of these services. Should we mediate? Should we collaborate? Should we litigate? Make certain the firm you choose to consult with is educated and has experience in all of these areas. Also, when meeting with the professional, find out what other services they offer. A diversified attorney, educated in all of these areas, can help you make the right choice for your personal situation, all the while making certain you are not compromising your situation.

It?s also important to start first with an attorney, not a paralegal, or an on-line service, for several reasons. An on-line service cannot answer your specific question. For example, they may have a section for Frequently Asked Questions, but it is not going to be specific to your needs. Divorces, no matter how simple, are not ?one size fits all.? A paralegal, may be knowledgeable, but they cannot give you legal advise. Paralegals are merely document preparers who are only allowed to fill out the court forms pursuant to your specific instruction. If you are worried about costs, choose a family law firm that can give you a series of choices, according to your needs and financial resources.

There are those times when your choices are minimized. Perhaps you have been served with restraining orders, or your spouse has already filed and scheduled a court date. You still have choices, but they may be limited, at least for now. For that reason, it?s important to keep as many options open as you possibly need. Choosing a family law firm that limits their practice to family law, and has attorneys on staff educated in the particular service you need is extremely important.

Keep your options open because the choices you make today will impact your future, and more importantly the future of your children.

By Pamela Edwards-Swift, Certified Family Law Specialist Collaborative, Mediation and Litigation Attorney Offices in Chino Hills

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New Credit Card Rules

Filed under: Financial Issues — Administrator @ 12:30 pm

May 21st, 2009

At first glance, the sweeping credit card legislation that passed the Senate on Tuesday looks like a huge victory for consumers. The bill, after all, contains relief from penalty fees and certain interest rate spikes.

But for people who pay off their bills each month, and milk the card rewards programs for everything they’re worth, there is some cause for concern.

For months now, the card companies have been threatening to cut rewards programs sharply to make up for revenue lost because of the new restrictions.

My guess, however, is that this talk is just so much saber-rattling.

Card companies want to make money, and big spenders help them do it, even if those cardholders do not go into debt.

First, let’s lay out the things we know will change because of the new legislation. The bill is chock-full of new rules, which will take effect at various points in the year after President Obama signs the final legislation.

There are new restrictions on when card companies can increase the interest rate on balances you’ve already run up. The bill says that banks generally must wait until you’re 60 days late in making the minimum payment before applying a penalty interest rate to your existing debt.

While an earlier bill in the House of Representatives suggested less strict rules, House members have agreed to adopt the Senate version and intend to vote on it on Wednesday. On Tuesday, senators voted 90-5 in favor of the measure.
Card companies will have to give 45 days’ notice before raising their interest rates. There’s also a notice requirement for any significant change to a card’s terms, which may keep companies from surprising customers who have been saving their loyalty points for years with huge alterations in rewards programs.

Banks must send out your bill no later than 21 days before the due date. They cannot send it with, say, 14 days to go, hoping that you won’t get a check to the bank in time to avoid a late fee.

If the card company gets your payment by 5 p.m. on the due date, it’s on time, according to the new rules. No more of this early morning deadline nonsense, which led to late fees for payments that arrived with the afternoon mail. Also, no more late fees if the due date is a Sunday or holiday and your payment doesn’t arrive until a day later.

Let’s say you’re paying different interest rates on the debt on a single card — one for a cash advance, another for a balance transfer and a third for new purchases. Now, when you make a payment over the minimum balance, banks will have to apply it to the highest-interest debt first. I bet you can guess how some banks used to handle this sort of situation.

Banks will need your permission before allowing you the “privilege” of spending more than your credit limit and paying a fat $39 fee for that privilege. The card companies should be ashamed that they needed a law to make this “opt in” requirement a reality.

If you’re a student, it will become harder to get a credit card. No one under 21 can have a card unless a parent, legal guardian or spouse is the primary cardholder. Students with their own income can submit proof and ask for an exception to the co-signer requirement.

The senators, in an apparent endorsement of helicopter parenting, also require written permission from the parent, guardian or spousal co-signer for any increase in a card’s credit line. Hate gift cards? Me, too. There will be some helpful new rules regarding those absurd dormancy fees, which punish people who let the cards sit around before using them.

Under the Senate’s rule, retailers and others that issue Visa, MasterCard, American Express or Discover gift cards or certificates will have to print explicit dormancy fee information on the card. Sellers of the cards will also have to inform the buyer of the fee. That’s a smart twist, since the gift giver can then become aware of the noxious nature of the fee — and elect to give cash or some other gift.

The bill also bans expiration dates on gift cards and certificates any sooner than five years after the card’s original issue date. And the retailer or card issuer will have to print the terms of any expiration date in capital letters in at least 10-point type. Call it the fine print rule.

It will be fascinating to see which retailer or card issuer has the nerve, after having free use of your money for five years, to tell you it will lose the money altogether if you don’t use up their gift card. I dare them to try.

So will credit card companies kill reward programs or drastically scale most of them back? Of course not!

“If you strip away the reward component of a credit card, it’s essentially a commodity,” said Rick Ferguson, editorial director at the loyalty marketing company LoyaltyOne. “The reward is what gives it its personality. It works from a branding perspective as well as a mechanism to influence customer behavior and consolidate spending on a particular card.”

That last part is crucial. People who spend a ton generate fees galore from merchants, and that money helps the card company stay in business. So you may soon see card companies giving away more goodies or lowering annual fees for people who hit certain spending thresholds each year. American Express already does this on a number of cards.

Also, keep in mind that you may have more control over what the card companies do to you than you may think.

If you don’t like the new fees and other things that banks will soon be testing as they grapple with their new economic reality, then make some noise. Send a note to me at rlieber@nytimes.com, so I can write about the latest foolishness — or consumer-friendly twist. At the very least, all of our complaints to the higher-ups at the banks may help persuade the companies to head in another direction.

“Work your way up the chain,” said Dennis C. Moroney, research director for bank cards at TowerGroup, a MasterCard-owned financial services consultant. After all, it may cost less to appease you than it would to replace you.

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Source: New York Times 5/19/2009

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Divorce: Your credit after a short sale

Filed under: Divorce and Your House — Administrator @ 12:03 pm

A bi-product of divorce often times is bad credit. Divorce or no divorce, a Short Sale most likely will have a negative impact on your credit. You probably know that a credit score is determined by a multitude of characteristics…..payment history, availablity of credit, number of credit lines, longevity of credit, etc…. This all makes it difficult to track exactly how a short sale compares to a foreclosure with regards to credit.

As a high-volume short sale listing agent, I like to stay in touch with my clients to track their credit and rebound ability after a short sale. One of my clients just called me last night to give me an update; I thought I’d share her story:

I did a short sale that closed escrow December 2008. My clients had stopped making payments on both of their loans January 2008. The 2nd charged off to a collection company, and foreclosure proceedings had begun. My clients had gotten a Notice of Default and a Notice of Trustee’s Sale. We extended the Trustee’s Sale several times in order to close the short sale.

My clients had 800+ credit scores prior to missing payments and initiating the short sale. All of their other credit lines (credit cards and auto loans) were current; they never missed payments on them. The only derogatory credit line that was reporting was the house……but as stated above, it was pretty bad. Twelve months of missed payments on 2 loans, recorded NOD, NTS and a charge-off.

Anyhow, my client just called me a few minutes ago, to tell me that her middle credit score is 728……this is 8 months post-short sale! She just went out and bought a new car with zero $$ down, and was able to take advantage of the Cash-for-Clunkers program. They want to buy another house in February, however from what I hear about the current underwriting loan guidelines, a lender won’t lend until at least 2 years after a short sale, regardless of credit score. This may change, but for now that is what Fannie Mae has published.

Her credit report reads: Settled for less than owed. My clients have not used a credit repair company. This all just “natural” credit reporting.

We obviously can’t take away from this that “every person who does a short sale will have a credit score in the 700’s within 8 months.” Every situation is so unique…..it helps that my clients did not have any other derogatory credit lines other than their house. However, I am personally encouraged that they will not be plagued for years with tanked credit.

- Laurel Starks, DRES

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